Once again I realise that the amount of posts that I've done is practically none this year. I feel like I should apologise to you about this as I had been putting out around 1 per week, but things have got in the way. This was a subject that I was going to put out there at some point, but to be honest it's been something I've been struggling with writing about, even though it takes up a lot of my time. I want to add before I get into this too much that unlike most of my posts which go through a couple of edits and checks, because of the subject matter I feel I wouldn't be being honest with you if I did that so it's pretty much raw, unedited and honest. So if it doesn't flow right, or sound completely coherent - well that probably suits this subject matter perfectly).
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I have a confession my friends. I've found the last few weeks of lockdown harder than usual. And that is saying something. This last week especially has been very low and it's only now that I'm sitting here at 11:30 PM with a Jack and coke in my hands that I feel I can write about this. (not that I'm drunk, but more chilled out) One of the reasons why I started this blog is to be able to speak freely about things that involve me... and this one is the biggest). I never thought I would publicly talk about this but...
I struggle with my mental health. This is probably the hardest thing for me to openly discuss, and I have no idea how long it will take me to finish this post, but I will try. I've already stopped a couple of times writing this, but I am determined to get back into posting on here and making something of it. Even if it takes me a while. I should forwarn you that I feel that as my mental health fluctuates posts may become sporadic - and I apologise for that. But I hope that what I write now will explain some of the sporadic posting that has happened now and in the future.
Like many people in the entertainment industry, I struggle with my mental health. I know a lot of friends who either work in the industry or who have worked in the industry who all have some mental issues. (I'm not saying that as an insult but more as an observation). I'm not fully sure whether the industry attracts people with mental illnesses or they develop because of the industry but nevertheless, they are there and it sucks.
When I look at other industries I don't see as many mental health issues as I do in ours. I've often wondered why? One of the hardest things that people don't tell you in this industry is that it takes a huge mental strain on you. The moment you try to become pro you are judged for everything. Not just your act, or your personality, but your looks, height, weight, hair, teeth - everything. It's so easy to fall into the trap of obsessing over these things to the point where it takes over your life and creates so much worry you can't stop looking in the mirror, convincing yourself that your hairline is receding, or that you don't look like the great performer you think you are.
In my own opinion, I think that this industry amplifies insecurities and issues that are already there. When you are a performer and trying to earn a living from your shows it becomes so easy to obsess over everything. It starts off rather innocuous but can lead down dark paths.
A while back I managed to book a few live shows, before the new COVID lockdown. It was a completely different show to what I'm used to and one of the things I like to do is film my shows when I first perform them. That way when the adrenaline has gone and you have a chance to breathe you can rewatch your show and view what works and what doesn't work. And it's a nice surprise to see something that you think didn't work during the show but actually seemed to really resound with the audience. Ironically in this show, I discovered that a bit that I absolutely loved wasn't as well-received as I thought (I like the skit so much I'm tweaking it to work better). But I'm digressing from my point. I watched the video again recently and realised something. During this re-watching, I stopped watching the show and started looking at myself. I started fixating on the negatives more than the positives, and my perceived flaws (I'm not going to discuss them here). It no longer was about the routines but my own flaws. And it makes it worse. That's the thing with this industry. For most people, their job revolves around the task at hand. A builder isn't assessed on their appearance, or a shop assistant isn't really focused on how their hair looks (or not to the point when they will be critiqued for it or would lose their work because they have too busy eyebrows). But as entertainers it all revolves around you as a person. You put yourself out there - flaws and all and hope that actually people like you and don't see the mess that's hiding under the surface.
That's the issue. It becomes to easy to feed into those anxieties, those issues, those little bits of self-doubt. And once you feed them that's it. It becomes a little rollercoaster with no brakes. No matter how hard you try and stop it, once you go down that first hill its a spiral downwards. That's what's happened to me recently. I've started to go down that dark path again and I'm working so hard to drag myself out, but things - like this blog end up getting lost for a while while I deal with it.
I struggle with a couple of issues. I say a couple of issues, but in all honesty they intertwine and almost become one. Depression. It's a bitch. That "black dog" that people talk about is a real and horrible thing. You wake up in the morning and just feel like you can't do that day. Everything becomes a chore. Apathy is rampant. Even if you need to go to work/school/raise the kids whatever, getting the energy to just get out of bed is impossible. There are a thousand things to find joy within a day, but when you struggle with depression they disappear. Even in things which you love, like magic - finding the energy to practice, perform or even watch a show is tough. It's so much easier to give into the depression, sit on your bed and put on a TV series than try... (I can't tell you how many TV shows I've watched without really watching because of depression. I've put things on to occupy my mind, but if you asked me 2 minutes after I watched them what happened I couldn't tell you.)
Sometimes I just feel so emotional that I could cry at a moments notice. For me, depression manifests itself as apathy. Not laziness but just no energy, no motivation. It becomes a vicious circle. You start to feel down and don't have the motivation to do things that you love, which makes you feel more down. You can't stop thinking in this shitty circle and it doesn't stop. You try and find ways to bring yourself out of it but it is so fucking hard. I enjoy writing these little bits. Not just the bitching about stuff that annoys me, but my thoughts that I don't have the platform to normally say. But even this, I cannot get myself to do even a bit of writing without wanting to give up. It's horrible.
And what makes it worse for me is that I don't just suffer with depression. In my particular case my depression likes to feed itself off anxiety. Even before lockdown, I struggled with anxiety, maybe not to the extent that it has developed itself into this year, but it was always there. It's an overwhelming panic. If you've never had a bad anxiety attack it's really hard to describe. It's hard to explain how exactly it's triggered but it could be anything. Recently I found myself having to cue for the bank and realising that I had to get out of there. The people behind me were making me anxious and I couldn't cope with it. Even though I can't explain why, I knew at that time I needed to go. I needed to escape. Doing my banking, doing my shopping, even checking the messages I'd been sent recently was no longer important to my mind. I'd let that emotion overwhelm me and all I could think about was escaping the situation. My heart raced, my senses heightened and my chest tightened up. My mind turned to fight or flight. My entire body and mind devoted itself to running away from the situation. It's a horrible feeling. It's an adrenaline rush but without the excitement. Imagine going to Alton Towers (or Six flags for you yanks), but without the enjoyment of the rides. It's a quick, adrenaline-filled situation where you can't figure out exactly what's happening, but when it finishes you feel drained and exhausted after it. it can even be with simple things. I'd taken a little bit of extra work during social distancing to make ends meet, and one day for no reason I could think of I had an attack with one of my triggers (again not going to discuss specifics here - I don't think I'm ready) but I became obsessed with it. My entire conscious went to focusing on that issue. Forget the work, forget my "boss" having a conversation with me. All I could think about was my trigger and it became a vicious cycle. And when you do eventually get yourself out of it you are drained and exhausted. Your brain feels like it's done a mental marathon and just wants to stop. When I have attacks I often end up napping a few hours later because my body physically cannot cope, which then feeds into the depression as there becomes an apathy - which you can see feeds into that separate issue.
It's so prevalent in the entertainment industry that people struggle with issues like this. It could be from a fear of rejection, a fear of people critiquing you, or a case of "mind reading" - where you think that you know what someone else is thinking (this is one of my biggest triggers for my depression - I convince myself people think my show is crap when they loved it for example.) You end up looking for things to validate your way of thinking and once you do that you are caught. You convince yourself that something is real when it isn't and your logical brain goes out of the window and emotion and worry takes over. You feel like you're on your own. You have no one to turn to. You become fixated that people will think you're crazy or not want to work with you or spend time with you. You can focus on those little demons so much it stops you from living life.
It's debilitating and can be a career-ender. For me, especially with my anxiety, I know that it's hindered my career. I've stopped myself from seizing opportunities because of my anxiety and depression, either having an attack because of it or stupidly the worry of having an attack about a situation. I've had anxiety attacks/bouts of depression because of shows, and I've spent so much time obsessing over videos I've made or how quiet an audience is that I've missed opportunities or stopped myself from progressing in my career. It can be a real game changer - and not in a good way.
And I know I'm not alone with this. One of my greatest heroes suffered with this too.
Whether you are a huge name, or a nobody you can be affected by mental health. It doesn't discriminate. It doesn't single you out because you are weak. Society has made it seem like mental health is something to shut up about. A few years back before I was full time I worked for a company that I loved, but I never mentioned any of my issues to anyone. They didn't need to know as far as I was concerned. As far as I could see at the time I didn't need them to help. I didn't want it written in a folder somewhere that I was crazy and I didn't want a risk assessment made on me saying that I was mental. I didn't want to lose my job because I couldn't cope. It took me about a year of working there to confide with one of my supervisors there about a breakdown that I had in the past (admittedly it was due to me going "that's bullshit" about a colleagues story but I digress). One of the things I realised when I talked about it then was that people don't really care. Not in a bad way, but mental health isn't a stigma. You can have issues and still be normal. The lady I spoke to doesn't know this but she helped me normalise what I went through and it helped. I don't know if she told anyone else (I doubt it because it's never been mentioned since) but for me, it really helped to talk, even in passing about it.
I'm working on my issues. I eventually managed to work up the courage to ask for help. It's so easy to feel alone. When you have mental health issues like me it's so easy to consider the stigma around it. But it's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact it's the opposite. I'm almost proud that I can start to share my weaknesses here. I know that most of what I think about now isn't helpful or true or useful. I've worked with therapists to help me get through it. It's not like a virus where you can have it and get over it and it's done and dusted (I've been working on this for years and as I said at the start I had an attack this week), but I've been able to find ways to see it happening and manage it before it becomes worse. it doesn't always work but it's better than it was.
But my dear magic friends and random googlers, I know that some of you will be feeling a similar way too. You may watch your shows back and think that you are shit, or that you aren't good enough. You may feed into the internet wannabe commentators or that little voice of doubt that won't go away. Or you may even feel that like me you can't cope and you don't have anywhere to turn to. But you do. One of the biggest takehomes that I've had about my mental health and the biggest reason why I'm sharing this now is that I wanted to say something important to anyone out there who is feeling the same.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
I think I probably didn't hammer that home enough... hang on...
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
(For the record that's the biggest I can make it on here... Imagine its like filling up the screen!)
It's OK to feel sad. It's OK to feel that the world is falling apart around you. It's OK to feel like you can't cope. What it's not OK to do is feel like you are on your own with it. You aren't. There are thousands of people out there who devote their lives to helping people in this situation and millions more who will be there for a friend if they need help. I know I've got a few (and I few who I should really discuss this stuff with but I haven't... In fact, I may share this with them now and kill two birds with one stone) But the point is there will always be someone there for you to talk to if you are struggling. Myself included.
I haven't really publicised the email for this site too much but if you ever feel like you need help or you're alone and need someone to talk to you can email me. I'll do my best to respond ASAP (but I'm crap at checking emails in all honesty). The email is thesecretmagician@outlook.com and I will do my best to reply ASAP. Use it for whatever you want. If you just want to talk I'm here. If you need a sounding board I'm right there... if you just want to rant/vent I'll listen (but do me a favour and let me know you're venting before I get a very confusing email from someone sending insults to my email account)
And if you don't want to talk to an anonymous blogger or you quite rightly think there are probably more people out there who are better qualified to help there are organisations out there who can help you. Speak to the Samaritans on 116 123 (freephone) - they're there to help no matter what the situation is. Or if like me you want to take the very hard, but incredibly brave step into treatment the NHS has lots of services you can use in your area, many of which you don't need a GP referral for. https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/
(I know there are services for other countries out there, but I don't know them - I'll add them to a list at the bottom if people let me know who they are).
Finally before I go I want to leave you with this. I'm a fan of musical theatre. I enjoy a variety of shows, but one that I really want to see at some point is Dear Evan Hansen. It's got a great story to it and a wonderful score. Without spoiling the plot for you it deals with a boy with anxiety issues and a situation that spirals out of control. In it there is a powerful message that I've really taken to heart.
About 6 months ago, before I started my latest round of therapy I was in a really dark place. I was emotionally drained. I felt alone and exhausted with nowhere to go. I didn't think I could turn to anyone without them thinking bad of me and felt I had trapped myself into a corner with my issues. I was putting the laundry outside on the washing line and had a musicals playlist on. This song came on the playlist and I started to listen to the words. And I started to choke up. I started to cry. It really resonated with my situation, with my mental health and it's too good not to share in situations like this. (this version was recorded in lockdown so seemed apt)
I didn't want this to be therapy for me. I'm not doing it to rant, but just a little bit of hope that somewhere someone reads this and realises that they too are not alone. Normal service will resume soon I hope with some decent posts about magic and entertainment and other shit like that...
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You will be found - lyrics (in case you were wondering what the song says)...
Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?
Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay
'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand
And oh, someone will coming running
And I know, they'll take you home
Even when the dark comes crashing through When you need a friend to carry you And when you're broken on the ground You will be found So let the sun come streaming in 'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again Lift your head and look around You will be found
There's a place where we don't have to feel unknown And every time that you call out You're a little less alone
If you only say the word
From across the silence your voice is heard
Even when the dark comes crashing through When you need a friend to carry you When you're broken on the ground You will be found So let the sun come streaming in 'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again If you only look around You will be found